Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
