Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Congratulations! We have a period
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