for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
