After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
