Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
