And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
