im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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