I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
