ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
