BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
