at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
