Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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