I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
