He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
