I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
