On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
MIDGETS
????
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
