apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
