You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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