I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
