Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
