so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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