don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Boobs are out for the taking
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
