Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
