it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
