hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
