Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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