I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
