a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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