i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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