I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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