Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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