If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
