broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
