Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
