Yo dont text me then not text me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
