I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize