I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
