Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
