No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
