i think my mom watched the whole time
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
