96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
