not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
