Hey man sorry I got all grabby
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
