Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
