im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
