they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
