I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
