I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
