Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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