Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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