Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
