Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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