I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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