seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
